When the Leaves on the Trees Turn Scarlet | Losing Lucy and Finding Hope

On this day one year ago a little girl was born at 37 weeks and six days. We had been praying for this baby and waiting for her birth for months. She was going to be our rainbow baby, our hope and redemption after the storm. Scarlet Mae. We had stared at her ultrasound pictures and fawned over every detail. On this day one year ago, I woke up like any other day. I worked on Scarlet’s nursery, I pumped milk every three hours for her. The boys rejoiced because the leaves on the trees were finally scarlet and that meant their baby sister was coming soon.

We went about our day like normal, making sure our phones were close at hand in case “the call” came. I made sure her diaper bag was ready and her clothes were all washed and folded. I published a blog post and planned what to make for dinner. I texted Kailee like usual, just checking in on her and asking if she wanted to get in on the fun and make a prediction about when the baby would arrive. She never texted me back. EVER. She never answered another one of our calls or emails. EVER. Because she was giving birth at that very moment and instead of calling us to share the exciting news, she called two men in California. She had gotten what she wanted from us…emotional and financial support for her, her husband and her two children for almost the whole pregnancy. She discarded us like a used piece of trash. Instead of placing that baby in our arms that day, she placed the baby in the arms of two men who we knew nothing about. We went about our day and we had no idea that the thing we feared the most was happening at that moment. We had no idea we were being betrayed. There was no Scarlet Mae. She became Ava Mae that day.

My journal entries from last fall:

10-13-14

Kailee is 38 weeks pregnant today. She still has had no prenatal care. I feel frustrated, helpless and antsy. I don’t know if Scarlet is ok, or if Kailee will follow through with her adoption plan. I feel like I’m going crazy waiting and wondering what will happen. I don’t know how to prepare for this. I don’t know what to expect. This is one of the weirdest places of my life.

Oh Lord, please be with Kailee and Scarlet today. Protect Scarlet and keep her alive and healthy. Please let her be OURS. Let us give her a happy childhood and a beautiful life. Please let us teach her about you some day. Please prepare our hearts and minds for what is going to come over the next 2-3 weeks. Also, I feel such a clear prodding of the Holy Spirit to do a miracle in my body. Come, Lord, do a miracle in my body. Show your awesome power through me. Do a miracle in my body.

10-14-14

Still anxious. Still no word from Kailee. Still fearful and doubtful. I like this prayer by Amy Carmichael-

“My Father, all that has gone cold and lifeless in me…is it just your planned stillness before new life flows? Are the hands I’ve clenched in troubled prayer like tight leaf-buds, about to spread into open-handed praise, because your Spirit comes again? I believe, Father, that the joy of a new season in you is warming me right now…”

Please, Lord