Nora | Losing Lucy and Finding Hope | Page 3
This week I am 36 weeks pregnant and on Monday we scheduled my induction.
It’s so exciting to finally have a date to look forward to! I am scheduled to be induced on the morning of Monday, July 20th when I am 38 weeks exactly. Of course, if there are no beds available and they are too full, my induction will be postponed so I’m trying not to put all of my hopes on that specific day. There is a small chance that Nora will decide to come sooner than that, but I highly doubt it. At my 36 week appointment I found out I’m dilated to 3 cm already and my contractions continue throughout each day. There have also been a few other signs of preterm labor but for now we are just waiting it out at the Ronald McDonald House. It is a bit stressful because my parents plan to come a couple days before the induction to watch the boys for us, but we don’t really know what to do if I go into labor before then. It’s about an eleven hour drive so chances are I would have the baby before they even got here if I actually did go into labor (Liam’s labor and delivery was 12 hours start to finish and Asher’s was 6.) My parents are packed and ready in case they need to come with little notice, but I would hate for them to drive all the way here if I never really went into labor. We do have a friend of my mom’s on standby to help with the boys in case of an emergency, which is very kind of her.
Yesterday I started taking a drug called phenobarbital three times a day. Dr. Moise wants me to take it for ten days prior to delivery. It’s commonly used as an anti-seizure medication but when taken during pregnancy it helps develop the baby’s liver. Nora’s liver will play a big part in how well she deals with the anemia and jaundice after she is born. Technically, she will have HDN or “Hemolytic disease of the newborn” which is why she will be in the NICU, even if she is full term with no preemie issues. If I am able to get in ten full days of phenobarbital before she arrives, her NICU stay will be shorter. Emotionally, I am all over the place. I’m torn between desperately wanting Nora OUT of my dangerous womb and wanting her to stay in to get the phenobarbital that she needs. To make matters worse, I have an excess amount of fluid (mild polyhydramnios) which makes it harder for me to feel Nora’s movements. She has been sluggish and lethargic lately and it scares me. I think of all the babies (in “normal” pregnancies) who have been stillborn during the last weeks and days of pregnancy. I know her heart could stop at any moment. The boys kiss my belly CONSTANTLY and tell me how much they love “their baby.” It is the sweetest and most terrifying thing. I can’t imagine how heartbroken they would be if we lost her. All of these fears seem to be culminating right at the end of my pregnancy, which is, ironically, the safest part of my pregnancy probably. Dr. Moise told me today not to worry and that I WILL be driving home to Alabama with Nora ALIVE. I read this simple verse the other day and it was just what I needed.
Psalm 56:3 When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
Somehow, after all these years, it is still not my first reaction (usually) to trust God when I am afraid. I don’t know why that is…maybe my sin nature or my stubbornness or pride. I am making a conscious effort today and over the next couple of weeks to put my trust in God when I am afraid. I don’t need to put my trust in my ability to count her kicks or in the doctor’s ability to get her here safely (although both of those things are very important.) Ultimately, her life is in God’s hands and I will choose to trust Him. That is what brings me peace and quiets my heart.
I know I have shared this letter before, but I want to share it again. On this day, three years ago I wrote a letter to my daughter. I had such a strong sense that she was coming and I would have a daughter next. We had our two boys and were just beginning to talk about maybe having a third baby. I felt compelled to write this letter to my girl. I’ll share it again because it brings me comfort and I feel like it applies to Lucy as well as Nora.
07-08-12
To My Daughter,
I feel your creation on the horizon. Like the smell of a rainstorm coming- a beautiful rainstorm that’s been prayed for. I see your Maker readying Himself to make you. I can’t wait to meet you. I know you’re coming. I can’t wait to see what God’s going to do. You are wanted so very much. You are coming and I am hopefully waiting with open arms; my sweet, beautiful daughter to be.
Love, Mommy
Psalm 139:16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
I love knowing that all of Nora’s days have already been written down in God’s book and the number of them is completely out of my control. I can’t wait to meet her.
We still need your prayers and are so thankful that you have stuck with us throughout this long pregnancy. Please pray that Nora continues to flourish in my womb and arrives ALIVE and healthy. Please pray that we have childcare whenever my labor starts so that Josh can be there for his daughter’s birth. Our next appointment is on Monday, July 13th. I will keep everybody updated!
This month is hard for me, especially this week. Lucy had two different due dates, July 2nd and July 7th. Every year when July rolls around I find myself depressed and aching for my daughter. She should be turning two years old this week. Oh how my heart hurts when I think about all of things I’ve missed in the past two years. I wonder who she would have been today. Would she be a strong-willed, feisty and defiant little girl like I was? Or would she be sweet, gentle and thoughtful like her Daddy? Would her hair be blonde and curly like mine was? Would her eyes be blue like mine or brown like her Daddy’s and big brothers’? My arms still ache for the feel of her in them. I yearn for the weight of her little body on my lap and on my chest. I miss her smell and the sound of her voice and her chubby cheeks. What kind of birthday party would she have wanted? I miss her so much. She and Nora would have been exactly the same distance apart (age wise) as Liam and Asher. I was big and pregnant when we celebrated Liam’s second birthday. I think of all the fun that Nora will miss having with her big sister. This month is always a reminder of all the life that is missing from our family.
Soon after Lucy died I was told that it wasn’t right for me to say “She SHOULD be here.” Or “She SHOULD be this many months old.” Supposedly, it implied that God made a mistake and that I wasn’t trusting Him enough. I disagree. “Should” reminds me that this was not God’s original plan for the world. His FIRST plan was a world of harmony and perfection, not a place where babies die and children get cancer and our hearts are sick with sin. After we chose sin over His original plan He devised a new plan, one of REDEMPTION. His new plan is beautiful and just like the original one, it is rooted in His unconditional love for us, but it is wrought with pain and suffering. His first design was better and it comforts me to know that it would not have involved my baby dying. God hurts to see us in pain and He hates death and suffering, which is why He sacrificed His own boy to save us and redeem us. As I type this with tears running down my cheeks and a hole in my heart for my missing girl, another little girl has the hiccups and is shaking my whole body with her wiggly LIFE, reminding me of His redemption. This month not only reminds me of who is missing, but now it reminds me that He does redeem our pain and our suffering like He promises. Nora’s life does not remove the pain of Lucy not being here, but it adds joy to the hurt and it is a small glimpse of the perfection, restoration and redemption that waits for us in heaven.
Josh always said Nora would be born in July and I told him it would never happen. I never thought she would even make it to June. But here we are on July 2nd, Lucy’s due date, and instead of aching for my second girl like we thought we would be, I am still swollen with her life inside of me.
Please excuse the pajama pants, I’m running out of clothes that fit me.
I would like to remind you that God aches when you ache and He hates death and suffering. He will redeem your pain and restore your losses, whether it’s on earth or in heaven, HE WILL DO IT. He will heal you and replace your ashes with beauty.
Psalm 130:7 O Israel (or Bethany or whatever YOUR name is) hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with Him is plentiful redemption.
Nora’s last IUT was a success! Thank you all for praying for us. Dr. Moise proved once again that he really is the expert when it comes to these types of pregnancies. He knew Nora could make it four weeks between transfusions and wasn’t concerned that her MCA scan was very high (2) yesterday. I was doubtful and kind of nervous but he was right. Nora’s hematocrit was 35 (not very anemic at all!) today and after the transfusion it was 44. Dr. Moise thinks she can definitely make it to 38 weeks!
Right when I was getting prepped on the operating table Nora started moving like CRAZY. It looked like I had an alien trying to get out of my belly. They had to give her an extra dose of the paralytic medication to get her still enough for the transfusion. After the procedure it took her a much longer time than usual to start moving again. It was quite scary, actually, because I was watching her heart monitor and her heart rate was basically staying the same and not fluctuating at all. A healthy baby should show a heart rate that goes up and down but Nora’s just stayed steady. I didn’t feel her move for a long time.
You can see the top line, which is her heart rate, and how it’s not varying much at all.
Nora FINALLY perked up and started moving again and her heart rate had some healthy fluctuations.
We were (and still are) flooded with relief that Nora made it through her last IUT safely. Not only did she make it through her last one but she made it through all FIVE intrauterine blood transfusions. Thank you, Lord, for keeping her alive. Here’s Nora’s cute profile from her ultrasound right before the IUT:
Look at those gigantic lips!
And here I am after the IUT, flooded with joy and relief:
God has answered so many of our prayers with a “YES!” and He has done a miracle in my body, just like I asked Him to do last October. Thank you, Lord, for these gifts.
Psalm 10:17 Oh Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted; you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear.
Psalm 9:1 I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.
We drove to Houston for the LAST time on Sunday. It’s so nice to have my whole family together for this trip. Josh has the whole month of July off work so he can stay here with us the entire time (unless Nora’s NICU stay is longer than we expect.) On the way here it was so exciting to imagine our ride home with tiny Nora in her carseat. It was really weird to pack for this trip because we will have an extra person on the way home. Packing for a month long trip out of town is hard, but packing for a new person and for the whole birth and NICU stay on top of everything was overwhelming. It’s also hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that we will ACTUALLY have a live baby in our family soon. I have subconsciously not allowed myself to picture our life with Nora in it, probably as a “safety mechanism” to try to protect myself in case the disaster happens. I will be completely shocked when she arrives, I just can’t even picture it. I now realize that I forgot to pack some very important things like a pack and play for Nora to sleep in after she’s born. I can’t believe we are so close to bringing home our baby girl!
Today I had my 35 week check up and pre-op appointment. Nora had an MCA scan to check for anemia and her MoM was 2, which is very high. 1.5 is considered anemic and a 2 is very anemic. Thankfully there were no signs of fetal hydrops and Dr. Moise said the MCA scans are not very reliable anyway at this point. She weighed six and a half pounds today and looked good on the ultrasound. Her last intrauterine blood transfusion is tomorrow at 1:00. Please pray that she makes it through the IUT safely. I am so glad this is the last time I have to do this! The plan is to go three more weeks after this transfusion and then I’ll be induced at 38 weeks. Dr. Moise is hoping Nora will only have to be in the NICU for a few days after she’s born. We will be allowed to take her back to Alabama after she is discharged from the NICU as long as she has an appointment set up with a pediatric hematologist in Birmingham. Dr. Moise has already spoken on the phone with her hematologist at UAB in Birmingham and sent him all the information he needs to treat Nora after we return. Now we just need to get through this last transfusion and get her here safely in three weeks. Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. I’ll update as soon as I can after her transfusion tomorrow.
Today I am 34 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Last week Nora looked happy and healthy on her weekly biophysical profile ultrasound and non-stress test. The technician didn’t measure Nora but the doctor measured my belly and it was the size of a 36 week belly instead of 33 weeks. Here are a few pictures of me at 33 weeks. My sister could NOT stop laughing when she was trying to take these pictures because she said it looked like I was wearing a prosthetic belly. There was a group of other moms nearby watching and laughing with (at?) us too. I love having a gigantic baby belly, especially since I know I only have to go to 38 weeks and not 41 weeks like I did with Liam and Asher.
And how I really feel most of the time:
Originally we thought Nora’s fifth and last blood transfusion would be today but Dr. Moise pushed it back an extra week. He’s traveling internationally this week and he really likes to do the last IUT at 35 weeks, so my next transfusion will be a week from today. I am kind of nervous about going four weeks between transfusions but once again I just have to trust that Dr. Moise would not do anything if he thought it would put Nora in danger.
Today I had my 34 week check up and Nora passed her biophysical profile and non-stress test with no problems.
Thankfully her growth has slowed down some and she’s now in the 88th percentile at 6lbs 2oz. I actually lost a little weight this week which worried me some but didn’t concern the doctors. There was no extra fluid present in Nora’s body (which is good) but my amniotic fluid was measuring at 24 which is on the high side. Again, the doctor wasn’t worried about it and said Nora looked very active and healthy. Here I am at 34 weeks:
Since Nora’s transfusion was moved back we have been able to stay in Alabama for an extra week. I’ve been able to do some fun “normal” summer activities with the boys like swimming and playing in the sprinkler and drinking root beer floats on the porch. It’s so nice just to be at HOME, all together. We’ve been able to see our extended family this past week which has been so wonderful. My sister in law repainted her childhood rocking chair for Nora and it is so cute!
Thanks to my mother in law, we were able to get our house decluttered, organized and somewhat ready for a new baby. It has been such a great, productive visit home and now we are just ready to meet our little girl. Please pray that Nora makes it to her next transfusion without getting too anemic. We can’t wait to meet her in just a few short weeks!
A few weeks ago Liam asked me what his baby sister’s name was. I spelled it out for him “N-O-R-A, can you remember what that spells?” And he said, with frustration in his voice, “No, Mom, not Nora, my other baby sister.” My heart dropped and I said, “Lucy, remember? She’s in heaven.” And he said, again, with frustration, “NO, my OTHER baby sister.” It took me a minute to figure out who he was talking about. “Her name was Scarlet.” “Yeah, Scarlet! I really miss Scarlet. Why couldn’t we keep her?” It was a difficult and sad conversation that didn’t really clear things up for him. He said, “Why couldn’t we keep all three baby sisters? I wanted all of them.” He even cried himself to sleep that night thinking about his missing baby sisters. Today he asked me if Scarlet was in heaven and I said no. He wanted to know why Lucy was in heaven but Scarlet wasn’t. He asked again why we couldn’t have all three baby sisters. I wanted them all too, including Jude and Pax. Our hearts still mourn for our missing babies. Liam’s words brought me back to last year. I told the boys that when the leaves on the trees turned scarlet, our baby Scarlet would be here. Liam and Asher watched those trees religiously and when the first scarlet leaves came, they got SO excited, dancing around, waving their scarlet leaves in the air.
I remember June of last year when we were getting everything ready for our baby Scarlet and counting down the weeks until she arrived. I was starting the process to induce lactation to breastfeed Scarlet (a long, intense and expensive venture.) We started collecting baby girl clothes and we got out all of Lucy’s outfits that were never used. We bought a glider, a brand new crib and bassinet, and other furniture items for her room. I painted things pink, white and grey for our coming girl. We bought a van since we would need a bigger vehicle for three carseats. We even bought a house last October so that we would have more space for our family of five. There was so much preparation and so much money spent on “Scarlet.” I could not believe it when we had to pack up her entire pink, grey and white nursery and put it in storage. All of those adorable baby girl outfits freshly washed and hung in the closet had to be packed away in boxes and stored in the shed. I felt silly driving a big van around with only two kids and a completely empty back seat. The hours and hours of pumping milk, the hundreds of dollars spent on medications and herbal supplements to bring in the milk and even the nursing bras and tank tops seemed wasted. I felt so stupid (after we learned about Kailee and Peter’s betrayal) when I had to continue pumping to wean down my milk supply. (You can’t just suddenly stop pumping once your milk supply is established or you could get engorged.) I remember holding a freezer bag full of breast milk and fighting the urge to pour it all down the drain. It was too valuable to waste but there was no baby to feed. I wrote the date on the bag and put it in the freezer dutifully, for whom, I had no idea.
There was so much preparation last year for our “rainbow baby.” When Scarlet never joined our family I wept at the thought of all that was wasted. It felt like even our hope had been a waste. But all that hope and preparation was not wasted. God has been showing me over the past few months that He was using last year to prepare us for our REAL rainbow baby, Nora. He looked ahead at our future and He knew that I would be in Houston for the majority of my pregnancy and none of us would have time to prepare for Nora. He knew I wouldn’t be home to paint the nursery, to gather the furniture or baby girl clothes. He knew we wouldn’t have time to buy a van or move into a new house while our family was split up and I was fighting for Nora’s life in Houston. To get Nora’s nursery ready we basically just had to move everything out of the shed and into her room (besides some fun little projects.) And all that money, time and energy spent on pumping breast milk for Scarlet? Not wasted! Since breast milk is good up to a year after being frozen (in a deep freezer) we can give all the milk to Nora. While she is in the NICU I won’t have to worry about how long it takes my milk to come in or try to keep up pumping enough until my supply is established. We will have bags and bags of her Mommy’s breast milk ready and waiting for her when she arrives. What a huge blessing!
As I’ve said before, we have had to spend all of our extra money this year on medical bills, and gas and living expenses while in Texas. We have barely had enough money to pay for everything. If we had to buy all the things needed for a new baby, it would have been impossible. Wasn’t it kind of God to help us store up everything we needed ahead of time so that we don’t have to worry about any of it now? We have also been so blessed by the money donated through the T-shirt fund raiser that was organized by two sweet ladies who I barely know. They said that they felt like God wanted them to organize it and they just wanted to help. I am amazed by their kindness (thank you Michelle and Joy!) and by everyone else’s generosity. The way God has provided for us this year has been incredible.
Psalm 68:10 In your goodness, O God, you provided for the needy.
Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.
I am reminded yet again that when things seem bleakest God is often working behind the scenes for our good, to provide exactly what we need even if we don’t understand or appreciate it at the time. Thank you, Lord, for your provision.
Today I am 32 weeks and 6 days pregnant with our lovely Nora. I guess this is almost a 33 week update. My belly is getting so big people in public often ask if I’m having twins or if I’m due “any day now.” I love being pregnant. I’m thankful for all of the baby kicks and squirms that I feel throughout the day. I’m thankful for the stretched belly and the squished organs and all the discomfort that comes with the third trimester. I never thought I would make it to the third trimester. I never thought my baby would be big enough to make me this uncomfortable. All of it is a blessing. Liam was feeling concerned yesterday about how big Nora is getting. He said she’s taking up so much space in my body that he’s worried there won’t be any room left for my soul. Ha!
We were able to come home for one last visit to Alabama before Nora arrives in mid July. Now that I’m past 32 weeks, Dr. Moise wants me to have weekly non-stress tests and biophysical profiles done. These are just tests to check Nora for any signs of distress. If anything unusual shows up they will probably deliver early to get her out of danger. This week I went to my regular OBGYN in Tuscaloosa, AL for the NST and BPP since I am here for the week. He was very hesitant at first and didn’t even want me to come to Alabama because I’m so high risk. Eventually he agreed to see me. It was very surreal to be back there where I had my two boys, back when everything was “normal.” When I went in to have Nora checked I liked pretending that I was just a regular pregnant lady going in for a normal check up. Dr. Chwe was so excited to see me pregnant and swollen with my rainbow baby. He is the one who did my follow up care after I gave birth to Lucy. Over the past two years we have had many appointments discussing my birth control/conception options after losing Lucy. He has seen me completely emotionally broken on several occasions (going anywhere near babies/pregnant people is extremely stressful after losing a baby.) Like all other doctors, he previously encouraged me NOT to have anymore children naturally because the baby just wouldn’t survive, and if I did I was told to use a sperm donor. He was thrilled to be wrong and was so kind and gracious. We both agreed that Dr. Moise is doing amazing, ground breaking work with the IVIG and that Nora is a miracle.
Nora looked great on the ultrasound. It was the same ultrasound room I was in when I had to go back several weeks after Lucy died to make sure my womb was empty. I had been bleeding a lot so the doctor wanted to check and make sure there was nothing left causing the bleeding. That was such a terrible feeling, looking at the screen at my empty womb and listening to the silence where her heartbeat should have been. This ultrasound was so different. Nora’s heartbeat was strong and my womb was FULL of chubby baby legs and wiggly arms and cute little cheeks. We could still see the pocket of blood in her abdomen- the reserve they put in during the last IUT. She is slowly absorbing the blood over these three weeks and will run out right before her next transfusion. Nora is still measuring very big- in the 97th percentile for her gestation. She is now 5 pounds and 12 ounces. I love that she is measuring three weeks ahead because she will probably be delivered three weeks early. Hopefully she’ll be the size of a normal little newborn baby. I can’t wait! Here are some of her 3D ultrasound pictures at 32 weeks:
