WHY WE’RE NOT STOPPING AT TWO | Losing Lucy and Finding Hope

Josh and I have decided that we will keep trying for more children. We don’t want to stop at two (on earth.) As most of you know, my first two pregnancies were perfect, normal pregnancies (besides the constant nausea for four months, but that’s still “normal.”) Each pregnancy went to 41 weeks and ended with a beautiful birth and a healthy, screaming baby boy. Now that I have developed anti-kell antibodies, I will never have a normal pregnancy again. We know that any baby we conceive will have a little over a 50% chance at life. We also know that we won’t find out if the baby will live until 17 or 18 weeks gestation. If the baby died from the anti kell antibodies it wouldn’t be an early miscarriage. It would be a second or third trimester loss. Also, we just had an early miscarriage and lost our baby Jude right after Lucy’s due date in July. Obviously, the safest thing for us to do now would be to get my tubes tied and to make sure I never get pregnant again; to make sure we don’t have to live through the hell of losing another baby. But is being safe the main goal of my life? Should my top priority be protecting myself from pain and heartache? And where did I ever get the idea that I could protect myself from pain if I wanted? Even normal pregnancies in healthy women are full of risks and often end in miscarriage or stillbirth. What would my life be like if I chose the “safe” option every time?

When I was five, my parents moved our family to Bindura, Zimbabwe to be missionaries. Several times my Mom was asked how she could take her children “over there.” What if it was dangerous? What if something happened to one of us? How could she take those risks with her family?  Her answer, “The safest place to be is in God’s will, wherever that is.” I know that the safest place for me to be is wherever God wants me. We feel like He wants us to try again for a baby naturally, to not give up hope for more children, and that’s what we are going to do.

Most people are happy to have two children and be done. I always wanted 5, but after Lucy died I thought I could never have any more. I mourned the loss of my future children as much as I mourned Lucy. I was heartbroken about not having anymore children. I tried to get used to the idea. One day I was lying in bed sobbing. I still couldn’t believe my belly was empty and my baby was dead. I thought of myself as a little girl. I always wanted babies. When I was little I would take care of my baby dolls and close my eyes and try to fast forward time to when I could have my real babies. Being a mother was the thing I looked forward to the most in my life. Anyway, that day I was crying and imagining that little girl, I felt so sorry for her because she had no idea what was coming. She had no idea that the worst thing she could imagine would happen to her. Her baby would die and she might not be able to have more. I told God that I wouldn’t try to have more kids if He told me to stop. I felt like He said, “Don’t you think I know you? I made you who you are. I put that desire for children in you and it is a good thing.” A couple days later I read this verse-

Psalm 33:14,15

from where He sits enthroned He looks out on all the inhabitants of the earth,

He who fashions the hearts of them all

and observes all their deeds.