Full | Losing Lucy and Finding Hope
Today I had my 20 week ultrasound. Nora has been right on the threshold of needing a transfusion for the past couple of weeks so I just KNEW today would be the day that she would need her first blood transfusion. I was so nervous…sweaty palms, racing heart, sinking feeling in my chest. As usual, Nora was in a terrible position for the scan, all balled up and facing the wrong direction way down in my pelvis. Four different doctors and ultrasound technicians tried to get a good MCA scan (it has to be at exactly the right angle) and their scores ranged from 1.3-1.8. Finally, Nora shifted a bit and Dr. Moise was able to get three or four really clear, accurate readings. He said they were around 1.4-1.48 which means she is still right under the cut off for being anemic and needing a transfusion. She is fighting hard and holding her own against these antibodies. I’m so proud of my strong girl. She was showing no signs of anemia or distress so Dr. Moise said he would rescan in a week. I feel nervous about another week-long wait, but he promised me that she would be safe for at least another week and that I should trust him. Thank you all for praying for our Nora, it is a MIRACLE that she will make it to 21 weeks next week without a transfusion. She is defying what all the doctors said- that she would be affected even earlier than Lucy was and would more than likely be stillborn by this point in the pregnancy.
Psalm 136:4 Give thanks to Him who alone does mighty miracles. His faithful love endures forever.
This week is Spring Break for us so Josh and Liam were able to come down to Houston for the week. It has been so wonderful to all be back together again. Today the weather was warm and sunny so we decided to try to walk back to the Ronald McDonald House from the hospital after my appointment was over. 
As we were walking I noticed that the grass was turning green and the flowers were blooming all around me. Months ago I daydreamed about STILL being pregnant with a live baby in the springtime and it seemed completely impossible. I fantasized about walking around in the warm weather with a swollen belly stretching out in front of me. Today I realized that my “impossible” daydream was coming true. After two years of shattered dreams, what an amazing feeling to have one come true. Nora was kicking around and the weight of my belly was such a comfort. As I was walking I realized that not only was my belly full but so was my heart. I felt full of joy. Two years ago I never could have believed that joy would be possible again. I was reminded of a promise that God gave me in February of 2013:
I will fill your heart with joy and your belly with a baby again.
I thought it was impossible. The doctors told me I couldn’t have any more babies naturally. Impossible. The same impossible that David probably felt standing there in front of Goliath, how Sarah felt when God promised baby Isaac. And JOY in my heart again? Even more impossible. Over the past couple of years I have doubted that promise many times and often wondered if maybe I had made it up in some wildly hopeful moment. But I flipped back through my journal today and read about how He had promised me these things in one of my most desperate times of despair. I remember how clear those words sounded when He whispered them to me and how calming they were. Today He fulfilled His promise, the one I thought was completely impossible.
Hebrews 10:23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.
My journal entry from February 21, 2013:
(I’ll type it out underneath so it’s easier to read)
My grief is so deep. I can’t believe that my girl is gone and my belly is flat. It should be swollen with her life growing inside me. Yesterday was such a good day. As evening came my grief came…a hopelessness so great it overtook my mind. I could barely meet my boys’ most basic needs. I wanted to die, I felt like I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I tried to nap today, but all I felt was my flat stomach clenched in pain. I curled in on myself and felt so empty. I cried out to God, begging Him to come be close to me, to heal me. He said,
I WILL FILL YOUR HEART WITH JOY AND YOUR BELLY WITH A BABY AGAIN
I felt safe and loved and quieted by His love. He has continued to whisper these words of hope to me throughout the day and my soul is calmed.
Psalm 44:25,26 For our soul is bowed down to the dust; our belly clings to the ground. Rise up; come to our help! Redeem us for the sake of your steadfast love.
And I will always remember how He whispered to me in the hospital as I gave birth to my lifeless baby,
I WILL REDEEM THIS