A Long Pregnancy | Losing Lucy and Finding Hope

After I lost Lucy I was shocked and devastated by my loss, my empty arms and the abrupt end to my pregnancy. The bleeding, the milk coming in, the hormones, the painful recovery after childbirth- all of it without a baby to fill my arms. It is completely unnatural to end a pregnancy without a baby in your arms. I cannot describe to you how deep the pain is, knowing your baby is dead and you have to live the rest of your life without her. It helped some to know that she was ACTUALLY alive in heaven and that one day I would meet her and get to live the rest of my life with her. I just had to wait. It almost reminded me of pregnancy. When you are pregnant you know your baby is alive inside you, but you don’t have her in your arms yet. You know (or you think) one day several months from now you will meet your baby and keep her for the rest of your life. Those nine months are hard. It feels like the longest wait ever, like your due date will NEVER come. The day you meet your baby face to face is one of the best ones of your life (my FAVORITE day for sure.)

I try to imagine that I am still pregnant with Lucy, except that she isn’t due in a few months, but more than likely YEARS. She is alive and I will get to see her face to face one day and keep her for the rest of my life except that I don’t know when her due date is, or I should probably say, MY due date. I have no idea when my life here on earth will be over, when my delivery date is. I have no idea which trimester I am in. I could be at the end of my first trimester or the middle of the pregnancy or right at the end of my third trimester. Tomorrow could be the day that I meet Lucy face to face. I have no idea. But I am so thankful that I know I will see her again and get to keep her. Just like when you go through the intense pain of childbirth and you see your baby and the pain just vanishes when the joy floods in, so it will be in heaven. Right now I can’t imagine this pain, anguish and anger ever being REPLACED with joy. I do have so much joy in my life and I am thankful for my blessings, but that joy comes alongside the grief and pain and is present WITH the anguish, but look what God promises-

I will turn their mourning into joy; I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow.  Jeremiah 31:13 

I am promised joy instead of mourning and gladness instead of sorrow. Thank you, Lord, for your promises and your faithfulness. Now, I will wait here on earth enduring this relentless sorrow but knowing that it will not last and it will be replaced with joy. While I wait and my “pregnancy” with Lucy progresses, I will glorify Him with my life. One day when I get to heaven I want to say

I glorified you on earth, having accomplished the work that you gave me to do. And now, Father, glorify me in your own presence.  John 17: 4,5