This is so exciting…the post I’ve been waiting to write for so many months now.

We are expecting a baby in October!

No, we are not pregnant, but we are still expecting our third earth baby to arrive in October. We have been chosen by the most amazing expectant mother (“K”) and father (“P”) who’s baby is due at the end of October. K is such an intelligent, strong woman and we are so blessed to have her in our lives, for the rest of our lives. P is also great and we are so thankful that he is supportive and on board with everything. We can’t wait to meet our baby too! K actually found us through the internet, not through our agency, and she just happened to live in Alabama! She is now working through our agency. We only had our online profile up for about a week before she contacted me in May, so our wait was extremely short compared to most. That was a huge blessing for us! Almost immediately, Josh and I agreed that we felt a connection to K and to this precious baby. She told us right at the beginning that she didn’t know the gender of the baby yet, so that was a hard decision for us. We had decided at the beginning of the adoption process that we would try to wait for a girl. We had our hearts SO set on a girl, but after meeting K, we started to feel our hearts change. It was harder for Josh, surprisingly. He was adamant about having a daughter but I just wanted a baby. We talked about it and prayed about it a lot. Meanwhile, K and I were emailing back and forth, getting to know each other. The more we emailed, the more I liked her and fell in love with her and the baby. The more we prayed about it, the more we felt peace about K, P and the baby, regardless of gender. Finally, Josh and I agreed that we loved this baby already and would be open to whoever God wanted to give us. From the very beginning when I have asked God to tell me what to do and how to proceed (Should we do IVF? Should we try naturally? Should we adopt? Should we stop with two?) I have heard Him say, “Let me redeem it.” Well, if He wants to redeem it with this sweet little baby, boy or girl, we want Him to do it His way. So, we are on board, regardless of gender, and we are SO excited and in love with this baby already. After we decided this, K had to go to the emergency room for dehydration and while she was there they did an ultrasound to check on the baby. They said that the baby looked HEALTHY (woohoo!) and they made a guess at the gender. The ER doctor thought the baby looked like a GIRL 🙂 but we still aren’t 100% sure. K will hopefully have confirmation on the gender in the next few weeks, and we will update you when she does!

Thank you all for your prayers and support on our journey so far. We honestly don’t think we would be where we are today without all of you. Would you continue to pray for K, P and this sweet new baby? Please pray that the rest of the pregnancy and the delivery would go smoothly, and that K would have peace and strength to get through this. Pray that P would have peace and strength as well, to be a loving and supportive father and husband. Please pray that God would provide in an amazing way for K, P and their family. Pray that God would show us how to support K and P well and that our hearts would be protected from more heartache. Pray for our sweet new baby- that (s)he is safe and healthy and will always feel loved and confident in who he/she is. I think it’s so amazing that this baby gets to start life off with not two, but FOUR parents who love him/her so much already. Thank you in advance for your prayers and support. We will keep you updated!

This is so exciting…the post I’ve been waiting to write for so many months now.

We are expecting a baby in October!

No, we are not pregnant, but we are still expecting our third earth baby to arrive in October. We have been chosen by the most amazing expectant mother (“K”) and father (“P”) who’s baby is due at the end of October. K is such an intelligent, strong woman and we are so blessed to have her in our lives, for the rest of our lives. P is also great and we are so thankful that he is supportive and on board with everything. We can’t wait to meet our baby too! K actually found us through the internet, not through our agency, and she just happened to live in Alabama! She is now working through our agency. We only had our online profile up for about a week before she contacted me in May, so our wait was extremely short compared to most. That was a huge blessing for us! Almost immediately, Josh and I agreed that we felt a connection to K and to this precious baby. She told us right at the beginning that she didn’t know the gender of the baby yet, so that was a hard decision for us. We had decided at the beginning of the adoption process that we would try to wait for a girl. We had our hearts SO set on a girl, but after meeting K, we started to feel our hearts change. It was harder for Josh, surprisingly. He was adamant about having a daughter but I just wanted a baby. We talked about it and prayed about it a lot. Meanwhile, K and I were emailing back and forth, getting to know each other. The more we emailed, the more I liked her and fell in love with her and the baby. The more we prayed about it, the more we felt peace about K, P and the baby, regardless of gender. Finally, Josh and I agreed that we loved this baby already and would be open to whoever God wanted to give us. From the very beginning when I have asked God to tell me what to do and how to proceed (Should we do IVF? Should we try naturally? Should we adopt? Should we stop with two?) I have heard Him say, “Let me redeem it.” Well, if He wants to redeem it with this sweet little baby, boy or girl, we want Him to do it His way. So, we are on board, regardless of gender, and we are SO excited and in love with this baby already. After we decided this, K had to go to the emergency room for dehydration and while she was there they did an ultrasound to check on the baby. They said that the baby looked HEALTHY (woohoo!) and they made a guess at the gender. The ER doctor thought the baby looked like a GIRL 🙂 but we still aren’t 100% sure. K will hopefully have confirmation on the gender in the next few weeks, and we will update you when she does!

Thank you all for your prayers and support on our journey so far. We honestly don’t think we would be where we are today without all of you. Would you continue to pray for K, P and this sweet new baby? Please pray that the rest of the pregnancy and the delivery would go smoothly, and that K would have peace and strength to get through this. Pray that P would have peace and strength as well, to be a loving and supportive father and husband. Please pray that God would provide in an amazing way for K, P and their family. Pray that God would show us how to support K and P well and that our hearts would be protected from more heartache. Pray for our sweet new baby- that (s)he is safe and healthy and will always feel loved and confident in who he/she is. I think it’s so amazing that this baby gets to start life off with not two, but FOUR parents who love him/her so much already. Thank you in advance for your prayers and support. We will keep you updated!

Surprise! Our miracle baby is here. Callum Joseph Thomas was born exactly one week ago at 34 weeks and 4 days via emergency c-section. He weighed 6lbs 6oz and was 18.5 inches long. I went in for my last IUT and ended up having a baby instead! This week has been an absolute blur and I am just now able to sit down at a computer to quickly update everyone. Baby Cal needed some breathing assistance at first but is now breathing on his own and is doing great in the NICU. I just moved into the Ronald McDonald House in Atlanta to be close to Callum until he’s discharged. I will write all about Callum’s birth story in my next blog post but for now, I’ll leave you with a few pictures of our sweet boy. Thank you all for praying for us! We are so thankful that our baby is here alive and well.

My first quick look at Callum before he was whisked away to the NICU

Finally able to get on my feet 12 hours after the c-section and go see Callum in the NICU.

Holding Mommy and Daddy’s fingers

Daddy’s first time holding Cal

My first time holding Callum

Most of the pictures are blurry because we had to keep our phones in a ziplock bag while in the NICU so the pictures were taken through the plastic.

Right after he was moved up to the “growers and feeders” floor of the NICU for less critical babies.

Since Lucy died, the outpouring of love on our family has been amazing. The support we have felt from our friends and family and even strangers has helped carry us through the darkest time of our lives. I couldn’t believe when we had hot meals delivered to our door for four whole weeks after coming home from the hospital. People helped take care of our children, they offered to do grocery shopping for me, to clean my house or do yard work. Beautiful flowers came to our door after Lucy died and our mailbox was full of sweet cards, letters, gifts, money, gift cards and books day after day. Several people paid for the Gideons to donate Bibles in memory of our Lucy Dair. I have been shocked by the generosity and love that other people have lavished on us.

My parents’ neighbor, Connie, who is an artist, wrote Lucy’s name and birth date with her foot prints and it is so beautiful.

One of my pastor’s daughters made me a prayer shawl while I was going through my high risk pregnancy. A prayer shawl is just a shawl that someone knits or crochets, and while they make it, they pray for you. I received the prayer shawl as Lucy was dying inside me after the blood transfusion. Those were some of the most terrifying, anxiety-ridden days of my life. I knew something was horribly wrong and Lucy wasn’t kicking. I slept with that prayer shawl every night until Lucy died, and it comforted me. I now picture myself wrapping my future miracle baby in this prayer shawl after he/she is born.

My friend, Melody, who makes the most beautiful, unique jewelry, art and accessories sent me this necklace (check out her shop.) It is so special to me. My boys love looking at it and naming each egg, “Liam’s egg, Asher’s egg, baby Lucy’s egg.” I love being able to celebrate the fact that I’m a Mom of three, even though I only have two with me.

My sister gave me this bracelet, that I love. I love wearing Lucy’s name on me, since I rarely get to say it. It’s very special to me.

My friend, Anna, who is a very busy woman with four little ones of her own, spent a whole evening showing me how to start a blog. I was so scared to start a blog, but she encouraged me to do it. Her help getting this blog started has been one of the most healing gifts I have received. She has an inspiring blog of her own, by the way, encouraging us Moms to be healthy, strong and happy. www.momstrong.org 

These are just some of the more personal gifts I have received. There is no way I can name all of the gifts people have given us. I know I have not thanked everyone personally and I’m embarrassed that I haven’t. My grief has truly taken over so much of my life, it has been hard to remember to thank everyone. I want you all to know that I am so thankful for all of the gifts of love. Thank you to every single one of you. You guys are amazing.

People have not only encouraged us with gifts, but with words that have lifted me out of the pit time and time again. I have had so many women tell me about their miscarriages and stillbirths and it has reminded me that I am not alone in my suffering. I know it’s hard and it’s awkward to talk to someone who is lost in their own grief. Thank you, to those of you who have. Your words have felt like a life raft being tossed out to me as I struggle to stay afloat. I have had several people say, “I don’t really know what to say to you, but I want you to know that I’m sorry and I’m praying for you.” Perfect. When I visited my family in Memphis my cousin Valerie said, “We want to hear all about Lucy. Don’t feel like you have to hold back.” It was wonderful. I appreciate every comment on my blog and Facebook posts about Lucy. Every single one of them is read and appreciated. I have had horrible days where I just can’t seem to stop crying and sometimes just one encouraging comment on my blog can lift me out of my grief fog. I’m so thankful for all the people who have prayed for us and for Lucy while she was fighting for her life. I know your prayers have given us peace and strength to keep going. I can never express how much all of you have helped me in my journey through this grief. Thank you so much, to all of you. Your love and support is irreplaceable.

I remember the day I gave my daughter back to God. It wasn’t the day she died. It was February 2nd, the day we learned that she was anemic and needed a blood transfusion. I knew how sick she was, she didn’t kick anymore. I had a dark, nagging feeling that Lucy would die. I wanted to hold on to her for dear life. I wanted to protect her and I so desperately wanted to keep her. I think the natural instinct a mother has to protect her child is the strongest in human nature. I couldn’t imagine my baby dying inside of me, my womb becoming a coffin. I begged God to let me keep her. I screamed, “I want her. I want her. I want her.” Over and over again I asked God to save her, to let me be her Mommy here on earth. I threw a tantrum, down on my knees crying out to God to save her. It would be so easy for him to save her. He listened until I exhausted myself and then he said, “Let me have her. I will take care of her.” Could I give her up to him if that was what he wanted? Why would he let her die? I didn’t understand, but I trusted him. I thought of God letting go of his only son to die a violent death. I thought of Abraham with his miracle baby that he waited 100 years for. He was willing to give him back to God, even willing to slaughter him himself. If they could do it, I could do it. What was the purpose of my life, after all? It is to glorify God and enjoy him. The purpose of my life  is not to keep my daughter or to get what I want. I released my death grip that I (thought I) had on my daughter. I told him “Ok, you can have her. If it means that you will be glorified through her death, then you can have her.” I felt peace because it wasn’t in my hands, it was in his. I knew he would take her, and he did a week later.

Even though I am a blubbering mess here on Earth, I know Lucy is ok in heaven. She is well cared for, she is loved by her creator. I don’t worry about her. Soon after I returned home from the hospital I was so heartbroken for my girl, missing her and worrying about her. I was sobbing for my baby, praying for God to help me. I felt like God said, “I have her with me now. She’s right here. She’s fine. I’ve got her.” It was so good to realize that I can mourn my loss and feel empty for myself, but not for Lucy. She is happy and safe and my protective mother-heart can rest easy.

When my Mom was in the waiting room and I was in labor, waiting for Lucy to come, she asked God to show her a verse for Lucy. He showed her this:

Isaiah 66:12,13     And you shall be nursed, you shall be carried on the hip and bounced on the knees. As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you.

I hope everyone has had a wonderful Thanksgiving week so far. It has been way too long since I’ve updated the blog!  Nora celebrated her fourth birthday in July and Callum celebrated his second birthday in September. They are growing and thriving and lighting up the world around them. We still can’t believe they are both here safe and sound after we were told we could never have any more children after Lucy died.

I wish so desperately that every woman with these antibodies could have the phenomenal care I received during my pregnancies with Nora and Callum. Unfortunately, it is fare more common to see women receive inadequate care during their alloimmunized pregnancies than the proactive care I had with my last two pregnancies. Nora and Callum are my constant reminders of how these pregnancies can and should turn out if treated properly. For years I have wanted to do something more to fight this disease and prevent other parents from experiencing the trauma and devastation that we have endured. With the encouragement of family, friends, doctors and fellow antibody parents, I decided about a year ago that I would take the leap and try to start a non-profit organization to help support families facing alloimmunization (antibodies during pregnancy) and to help protect babies threatened by HDFN (hemolytic disease of the fetus and newborn.) I have teamed up with some wonderful people and we are so excited to announce that The Allo Hope Foundation is now an official 501(c)(3) non-profit organization.

Our main goal is to prevent harm, stillbirth and infant death caused by maternal alloimmunization and HDFN. We are dedicated to providing patient advocacy, support and education while promoting research and improving healthcare practices for the condition.

We are in the start up/launch phase at the moment, raising funds and forming our patient advisory board and medical advisory board. Our first priority is to raise funds and create a website where patients, their families and care providers can find information, resources and support. The Allo Hope website will also allow us to reach our global alloimmunization and HDFN community and bring more awareness to the disease. Come and follow us on Facebook and Instagram and stay tuned for ways that you can help! Thank you to everyone who has prayed for me and encouraged me on this journey for the past seven years, I don’t know where I would be without you.

Nothing can truly prepare you for the death of your baby, but looking back, I see how God helped prepare the way for me and strengthened me for the death of my daughter. Before we knew it was a high risk pregnancy, I started reading a facebook page called, “Prayers for Preston.” I don’t know the family personally, but I was immediately struck by how strong they were through a horrible tragedy. Their son (who is about the same age as my Asher) was found unresponsive in a swimming pool in September of 2012. So many people have been praying for baby Preston to wake up from his coma and to be completely healed. His family has clung to God and glorified Him through Preston’s story. I remember thinking, “I could never survive something like that. I could never be as strong as Preston’s Mom and the rest of his family has been.” I was also so glad that my life was tragedy free.

In December, I started reading “Remembering Ann Reese” on facebook and praying for her family. Little Ann Reese died on Christmas Eve (which was also her Mommy’s birthday) in a terrible swingset accident. Ann Reese was almost three years old, right in between the ages of my boys. I couldn’t believe the strength of her mother and other family members. They grieved publicly for Ann Reese and clung to God. They were open and honest about their tragedy and it was obvious that God was the reason they survived the worst thing imaginable. I was inspired. I wondered how I would react if something terrible like that happened to me. I thought, “How can these women have their babies ripped out of their arms and still praise God?” It was amazing. I checked these facebook pages daily and prayed constantly for these families. I had no idea that God was using them to prepare me for the death of my own daughter.

After Lucy died and I had to go through labor and delivery, I truly did not know if I could do it. Giving birth to your dead baby has to be one of the hardest things on earth. While I was in labor, I kept thinking of Ann Reese and her Mom. At the moment, their tragedy was the only thing I could think of that seemed worse than what I was going through. I thought, “Ann Reese’s Mom survived. I can too.” It strengthened me and challenged me. It showed me that I was physically capable of surviving my tragedy, that I could live without my daughter.

After I had my two boys I knew I would have a girl next. I was so excited about having my very own girl. I couldn’t wait for her, I knew she was coming. Three months before she was conceived and almost exactly one year before her due date, I wrote this letter to Lucy:

07-08-12

To My Daughter,

I feel your creation on the horizon. Like the smell of a rainstorm coming- a beautiful rainstorm that’s been prayed for. I see your Maker readying Himself to make you. I can’t wait to meet you. I know you’re coming. I can’t wait to see what God’s going to do. You are wanted so very much. You are coming and I am hopefully waiting with open arms; my sweet, beautiful daughter to be…

Love, Mommy

And this was the verse God told me to write to my daughter that day:

Psalm 139:16  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Right after we found out there was a complication with the pregnancy and Lucy might be in danger, I felt so terrified. I was so scared for my baby’s life and it was terrifying to be able to do nothing as her mother to protect her. I begged God to show me if she would live. It was so hard to go through a pregnancy knowing I might not get my baby at the end of it. I suddenly remembered that I had written a letter to Lucy in my journal several months earlier. I found it and read it, hoping God had put some comforting clue to the future in it, showing me that she would live. My heart sank when I read the letter to Lucy and saw that I had compared my daughter to a coming rainstorm. Looking back, I see God preparing me for the deepest loss of my life. I was devastated to read the letter to Lucy because it showed that a storm was brewing, but at the end was Psalm 139:16 assuring me that God had Lucy’s life planned out already. Every one of her days was written in His book before she was even conceived. It comforted me to know Lucy was in His hands, not mine.

I asked Him over and over again, “Will she live? Will I get to keep her? Are you going to save her? Please save her, Lord. Protect my baby.” I never felt like He told me she would live. He told me every time, “I’ve got you. I’ve got Lucy. You don’t have to worry. I’ve got her. She will be safe with me.”

If you are reading this, you might be in the place I was in when I was reading Prayers for Preston and Remembering Ann Reese. You might be wondering if you could survive something like this. Let me tell you, YOU CAN. If we are human, we are destined to suffer at some point in our lives. I wondered if I could survive, if God would really carry me like He said He would. He has. I have never felt Him as close as I have during my greatest suffering. I have never heard Him speak so clearly to me. I have never had so intimate a relationship as I do now with my God. I cling to Him every minute, crying out to Him as I go about my day. I tell Him everything- that I need Him, that I’m scared because He let my daughter die, that I’m disappointed, that I just want Him to take me to heaven, that I can’t do it. When I feel empty, I tell Him and I ask Him to prove His love to me, to show me, to let me feel it, because I don’t feel it at that moment. He ALWAYS makes me feel loved. He reminds me that His baby boy was murdered so that I could live, so that Lucy could live. He knows the pain of losing His baby. He holds me and tells me that every tear I cry is precious to Him. He promises me that He will redeem it. He promises to fill my heart with joy and my belly with a baby again, and I feel the heaviness lift from my chest.

In the Bible, Jesus talks about the man who built his house on the sand and the man who built his house on the rock.

Matthew 7:24-27   Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.

It doesn’t say that those who build their house on the rock will not face the rain, the wind and the floods. We will have trials and pain in life. What matters is where you’ve built your house, what you’ve built your house on. That determines if you will survive. You can prepare for the storm before it hits. You can sink your roots deep into God. Spend time with Him, memorize scripture, read books that strengthen your faith, and decide that you will trust Him no matter what happens. Build your life on Him. Don’t worry about the calamity that could come, know that He will sustain you.

If you asked me a year ago, “What is the worst thing you can think of that could possibly happen to you?” I would have said, “Something bad happening to one of my children.” And somewhere close behind that would have been, “Something preventing me from having more children.” They both happened in one blow. I am in the midst of it now, and I can say He is sustaining me through it all. He is good on His word. He will do what He says if you lean into Him. Enjoy every day, savor the beautiful things in your life and thank God for all of them. Also, would you please pray for baby Preston, who is still in a coma, and for his family, who have been caring for him and taking care of his two big brothers as well. Please pray for Ann Reese’s family too. They need so much healing and strength to get through the rest of their lives without their sweet little daughter. My heart breaks for these families. I am so thankful to them for showing me how to honor God through tragedy and to trust Him no matter what.

One of the first things that doctors and patients want to find out after a mother’s antibody screen comes back positive for anti-Kell antibodies is whether the baby is positive or negative for the Kell antigen. In fact, the rest of the treatment for the pregnancy and the baby’s outcome in the end often depends on the answer to that question.

Since anti-Kell antibodies are specifically programmed to attack the Kell antigen only, the babies who do not have the Kell antigen are not in danger at all. Babies who are positive for the Kell antigen could be attacked by the antibodies during the pregnancy, so that’s why it is important to figure out as soon as possible whether the baby carries the Kell antigen or not.

There are several ways to find out your baby’s antigen status. The first test that should be run is a simple blood test on the baby’s father. Since the mother does not have the Kell antigen (her body would not produce anti-Kell antibodies against itself so we know she is Kell antigen negative) the only way the baby could possibly have the antigen is if the father has the antigen and passed it down to the baby. The father needs to be tested for the Kell antigen. If the father is Kell antigen negative then you can know for sure that the baby is negative and will not be harmed by the antibodies. If the father is kell antigen positive then the next step is to find out if he is homozygous or heterozygous. Most men who have the Kell antigen are heterozygous which just means that the baby has a 50% chance of being Kell antigen positive. If the father is homozygous then the baby has a 100% chance of being Kell antigen positive. So, if you know the baby’s father is homozygous for Kell, you can be 100% sure that your baby has the Kell antigen as well.

If the baby’s father is heterozygous for Kell then it is harder to know the baby’s blood type since there is a 50% chance of being antigen negative or positive. The most common way to find out is to have an amniocentesis at 16 weeks, but it comes with the possibility of certain risks. Some doctors think that doing the amniocentesis increases the possibility of the baby’s blood and mother’s blood mixing, which could cause the antibodies to become more aggressive. There are also very rare complications that can happen after an amniocentesis that could ultimately end with the loss of the baby.

There is another, less invasive way to find out whether your baby is Kell antigen positive or Kell antigen negative. Dr. Moise recently shared this information with me and I am so excited to be able to share it with you. There is a maternal blood test that can be done in Europe that simply tests the mother’s blood to find out whether the baby is positive or negative for the Kell antigen; no risk to the baby. The test can be done at 14 weeks and is very accurate. I have included a study that shows the test’s accuracy. As far as I know, there has never been a wrong result. Occasionally the test result will come back “inconclusive” and they will ask you to send in your blood again for a retest. Wherever you are located, your OB or your MFM should be able to send your blood off to the Netherlands to find out baby’s antigen status with these forms and instructions I have posted below. Another Kell mama here in Alabama was able to send her blood off to the Netherlands to have it tested. She found out by 14 weeks that she was pregnant with a Kell positive girl and she was even able to get the cost of the testing covered by insurance. During my last pregnancy I brought all of these forms to Dr. Trevett in Atlanta and he was totally on board to try the test. I did the test at 14 weeks and found out several days later that my son was Kell antigen positive and my insurance covered the cost of the test. So, here is the information you will need in order to do the maternal blood test. Print these forms off and take them to your MFM and say you are interested in doing the non-invasive maternal blood test that is recommended by Dr. Ken Moise. I have also included the forms for anti-c and anti-E antibodies.

Instructions for Kell free DNA testing (updated)

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Instructions for CcE free DNA testing (updated) (1)

Many people have expressed their outrage and disbelief at Kailee and Peter’s actions. LOTS of you have asked that we share Kailee and Peter’s information on my blog so that people will be protected from them in the future (which I plan to do in an upcoming post.) Others have asked what kind of legal action we can take against them for their adoption fraud or breech of contract or whatever you want to call it. Theft with malicious intent is what I would call it. Some of you have suggested that we show up at her door and tell her exactly what we think of her. Another suggestion, since we always ordered pizza for her, was to have a pizza delivered to her door with a special message (that Josh strongly advised me not to share on my blog) spelled out in pepperoni (especially meaningful since she is a vegetarian.) Some of you have suggested that we get a good lawyer or go with an agency next time. The truth is, we have had a good lawyer this whole time and even if we had stuck with the agency, Kailee could have done the same thing to us. All of the bills and expenses we paid for her and her family were legal in Alabama, as long as we knew they were considered “charity” and were not given in exchange for the baby. We never gave her cash and we were careful to only pay for the things we were supposed to pay for a birth mother. There are lots of laws in place to protect the birth parents, but not many to protect the adoptive parents. We knew the risk. Many people, including our lawyer, told us over and over again that she could change her mind in the end and choose to parent the baby. We were fine with that risk and we wanted Kailee to make the choice she felt comfortable with. It was glaringly obvious to us, though, from the beginning, that she would not parent this baby. I never doubted that she would place this baby for adoption. Not once did anyone warn us that she could end up placing the baby with another couple right at the end. It never crossed our minds that she would be texting me one day and literally giving birth the next day and handing Scarlet/Ava over to someone else. We were not prepared for her to just completely cut off contact with us and leave us hanging.

Any time anyone decides that they want to be a parent, they put themselves at great risk, whether it is a biological baby or an adopted baby that they are trying for. We knew that we were putting ourselves at risk when we decided to pursue adoption. I still think she was worth it. I feel good that we gave her a chance and we gave Kailee a chance to place her baby in an amazing family. There are no legal actions we can take against Kailee and Peter since we can’t PROVE that they were getting money from anyone else while we were paying all of their bills and living expenses. There are no contracts signed in an adoption agreement before the baby is born (unless the birth parents say they want to sign the adoption papers ahead of time in front of a judge, which they didn’t.) Even if Kailee and Peter had signed the adoption papers before she was born, they had up to five days after the birth to change their minds. They weren’t bound to us by the law just because we were paying their bills. The thing they were NOT allowed to do was lead on several families at the same time and promise them all that they could adopt the baby while receiving money or gifts from them.

Even if we could sue Kailee and Peter, they have no money to give us. I know we all want to see them pay for what they have done. It is natural to want justice, but trust me when I say that their life and the guilt that they have to live with is punishment enough. They live in poverty and they struggle mentally, emotionally, socially, physically, relationally, the list goes on and on. Can you imagine what a depressing life you would have to have to spend so much time and energy deceiving other people and using your own child to make money instead of just getting a job? It truly is a sad existence. More than anger, disbelief or disgust, the main feeling I have towards Kailee is pity.

I don’t want this horrible story to deter anyone from adoption. I know there are even worse horror stories than ours when it comes to adoption, but there are so many more beautiful adoption stories that end with joy. All you can do is your best, which is what we did, and understand that opening yourself up to a child also opens you up to risk. And aren’t these babies worth it? I think so.

We have been so disheartened and discouraged lately, it is hard to believe we are back at square one. I still can’t believe all of the work we did and all of the money saved and donated did not end in our rainbow baby. Four times in the past two years we have opened our hearts to another baby and every time we have been bitterly disappointed. It is hard for me not to compare my story with other people’s stories. Most of theirs seem to end with a live baby. I wish that God could have put me on a forward moving track like all of the other baby loss moms. A track that leads to rainbow babies and healing and joy after the loss. Instead, it seems like He has us on this nightmare circle track that goes around and around with loss, loss and more loss. I am afraid of what He has waiting for me around the next turn. I feel skittish and nervous when I ask Him what He wants us to do next. I hate that. I wish I could hear Him clearly and know exactly what He wants us to do and then go do it with courage.

We were so close to our rainbow baby. I was so close to that healing feeling of a warm body nestled on my chest. Josh has recurring nightmares of working and working to build a high wall and right when he is about to put the final brick in the wall, someone comes and smashes it to pieces, the rubble falling all around his feet. I feel the same way, except now we are left with no more bricks and no way to build the wall up again. Kailee took them all. We feel incredibly low and defeated but we are not giving up. We are trying to decide what to do next in our family building journey. Our options are:

• stop with our two on earth
• become foster parents
• try again naturally with a 50% chance of stillbirth
• IVF with PGD
• give adoption another try
• use a sperm donor
• try embryo adoption

How I wish I could just get pregnant again and have another baby. Each one of these options comes with a hefty price, some financial and some emotional. Each one comes with some amount of risk. We have looked at all of them extensively and we are praying a lot. Honestly though, right now we don’t have much confidence in our ability to hear what God is telling us since it seems like He leads us into disaster again and again. The IVF with PGD could bring us a healthy, biological baby, but it would end up being at least $30,000, so that is not an option for us. We don’t feel good about the sperm donor idea and we aren’t even sure if they could track down the sperm donor to test him for kell (kell positive blood type=stillbirth, kell negative blood type =normal pregnancy.) I don’t think we are willing to try adoption again since a birth mother could do the same thing to us again legally and there isn’t anything we can do to prevent it. Kailee has made it hard for us to ever trust another birth mother again. Thinking about it makes me feel sick. I don’t think I would be able to support a birth mother well through her pregnancy and birth. I would always be suspicious.

So, what we’re left with is stopping with our two, trying again naturally with a 50% chance of stillbirth, becoming foster parents or trying embryo adoption. Right now we are leaning towards embryo adoption, since we still have a home study and family profile that could be salvaged. I spoke with a woman from the Nightlight adoption agency last week. She was so kind and she prayed with me over the phone. She said it would be easy to test the genetic parents for kell and that Josh and I sounded like good candidates for embryo adoption. I could have a normal pregnancy and be pregnant with my adopted child. How amazing does that sound? The only problem is that it would cost around $11,000 (which we don’t have.) I don’t have the heart to fundraise or ask anyone to donate since I still feel tremendously guilty about losing everyone’s money on our “adoption.” We will probably try to save up the money to try embryo adoption in the future. In the meantime, we are considering foster care. It is the one option we have never even looked into before now since it comes with such a high emotional risk. I don’t know how I could love and take care of a baby and then give her back, especially after losing Lucy. But lately we have been drawn to the idea. We have EVERYTHING we need for a baby- a complete nursery, baby girl and baby boy clothes (I still have all of Liam and Asher’s clothes) carseats, a van, two stable parents and so much love to give. It wouldn’t cost us anything except courage. A foster baby could end up being our adopted baby, but we would first have to do everything possible to reunify that baby with the birth parents. We are still praying about what to do.

This morning I was so sad and disheartened and completely overwhelmed with my life so I decided to run to God with my fears and questions (even though part of me wanted to just run away from Him.) I read Isaiah 41:10. If there ever was one verse for my life it is this one. God has brought it back to me again and again during scary times in my life. I remember reading this verse over and over when I was lost for three days in Tokyo and Osaka (long, ridiculous story.) I had this verse written on a notecard with me when I was laboring and giving birth to all three of my children. It has strengthened and encouraged me so much.

Do not be afraid for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I have always focused on the “do not be afraid” part because I am usually in the middle of being afraid of something. Today I noticed “do not be dismayed for I am your God.” Dismayed is EXACTLY how I have been feeling.

DISMAY– To break down the courage of completely, as by sudden danger or trouble; dishearten thoroughly; daunt. To deprive a person of courage or the power to act as a result of fear or anxiety. A sense of helplessness caused by an awareness of the enormity of something.

Even though we have an underlying peace, we are feeling more and more dismayed with our situation as we try to decide what is next. God tells me not to be dismayed because He is my God. We are trusting Him to strengthen us and help us yet again while we deal with this new loss and all of the hurt that comes with it. We still feel strongly that God has more children for us. We are not going to let Kailee’s act of evil determine how our family growing journey ends. Please pray that we can trust God again and do what He wants and if it is embryo adoption, that He would show us how to fund it. Thank you again for your many prayers and kind words of support.

Dear Kailee,
Since you so abruptly cut off all communication with us I feel like I am lacking closure. I am hoping to find some with this letter to you. Since I’m pretty sure you are not checking my emails to you, maybe you will find your way to this letter on my blog. I have so many questions. Was this your plan all along? Did you pick Adam and Gary at the beginning or at the end of your pregnancy? Were you lying to us the whole time? Did you see our deep love for your baby and take advantage of our vulnerability? Did you see all of our pain after losing our babies and think, “They look like good targets”? Did you do this to another loving family last year with Ben’s adoption too? Are you going to do this again with a different, trusting family next year with another sweet baby? Did you make this rash decision to pick another family after I finally set up some boundaries and told you that no, I would not be able to buy you $40 worth of pizza at the end of September because we didn’t have the money. We had just bought a van and a house that month. We didn’t have money to spend on frivolity. Do you know that we don’t even order pizza like that for ourselves because it’s too expensive? We go get a frozen pizza from Walmart and cook it at home to save money. Was that the reason you picked someone else to adopt “Scarlet”?

It is interesting how different Gary and Adam are from our own family. It is hard for me to believe that you just suddenly had a change of heart right at the end and decided to go with a family that was the opposite of ours. If you wanted your daughter to be raised by Adam and Gary, why didn’t you just go with them from the beginning? What was the point of dragging our family into it? Was it worth a few months of free rent and gas money to you? Why did you want to meet my children and my parents if you knew they weren’t going to be Ava’s grandparents and big brothers? Thank goodness I never let my boys meet you.

Were you actually going to the doctor the whole time and sending Adam and Gary the ultrasound pictures and updates while I stressed out week after week about the baby’s wellbeing? Do you understand how many people you have hurt? You have made people question the goodness of humanity, the existence of God and the very practice of adoption. Why did you give Ava the middle name that I picked out to honor my Mama-E? I cannot wrap my mind around that one. Part of me hopes that every time you see Ava’s middle name you are overcome with guilt and your heart burns with remorse for what you have done. I have so many questions, so many. I know they probably will never be answered.

Words are powerful. Part of me wants to rip you apart with my words right here for everyone to see. I could. I know things about you that no one else knows since you confided in me and leaned on me for emotional support all those months. People want justice. They want to see you punished for what you have done. They want to see you hurt. But I won’t tear you down with my words because I serve a loving God and He tells me to LOVE people like you.

If there is any one thing you remember from this letter I hope it is this:

I FORGIVE YOU

I forgive you for all the money you wasted and all the pain you have brought on my family, on my friends and on all the hopeful people around the world who have followed our story. I forgive you for all the ways you hurt me and my sweet husband and my little boys. I forgive you because God forgave me when I was nothing but a horrible sinner. I will pray for little Ava for the rest of my life, because that is what my Mama-E would have wanted me to do if she were alive today. Every time you see Ava’s middle name, Mae, I want you to remember that I forgive you and that God will too if you ask Him. I hope Ava grows up to be like my amazing Mama-E. I still love your children, J and A. They are so sweet. I will pray for them also for the rest of my life. And lastly, I will pray for you to find God’s peace and forgiveness in your own life. There truly is nothing like it. If all of this heartache ended with you turning to God and knowing Him and understanding His love for you, then it was worth it for me.

With love and unbreakable hope,

Bethany

Sometime in the next month or so our lovely baby “S” will be born. Our bags are pretty much packed, her hospital bag is ready, all of her clothes and blankets are washed and ready, we have everything we need for our new baby girl. I have done this before with Liam and Asher, waiting impatiently as the anticipation and excitement grow day after day. The months turn to weeks and soon they will turn to only days left before she arrives. This wait, though, is very different from my previous ones. It is a strange and new feeling for me. I am not waddling around with my big round belly weighing me down. I feel no sweet baby kicks or contractions like I did with the boys. Strangers in the store aren’t asking me when I am due or what we are having. I don’t feel the intense nesting urge to clean every inch of my house before she gets here. I can breathe just fine with no little feet or elbows pressing into my lungs. At night I sleep undisturbed and comfortable in my bed. I am expecting a baby but I am not pregnant. How bizarre is that? I pump and store milk but there is no baby to drink it yet. The boys talk about S constantly, imagining what she will be like, look like, sound like. They already have a list of cute nicknames picked out for her. They get SO excited when they see the leaves on the trees starting to change color because we told them when the leaves turn red our baby S will arrive. They have never laid their cute little hands on my belly to feel S kick. Sometimes it feels like I am a little kid again playing dolls and pretending that I have a baby but she doesn’t really exist. Technically S isn’t even our daughter yet. She belongs to K and P and I want to respect that fact. S is not ours until they make the final decision after she is born. They have the freedom to change their minds at any moment and decide that they will, after all, parent this baby. It is hard to prepare for the baby emotionally while respecting the fact that she is someone else’s right now. It is hard to actually trust God with our baby S since we trusted Him with Lucy, Jude and Pax. I still haven’t completely allowed myself to let go and really believe that we are getting a baby in a month.

The other day the baby’s adorable carseat cover arrived in the mail. I brought the carseat down from the attic and got it all ready for her. It was kind of shocking to see the carseat there waiting for her. It looked like there was a baby already in there, covered up and napping.

Seeing carseats like this have been a huge trigger for me since losing Lucy. I avoid them as much as possible when I am in public. I almost had a panic attack when a woman at church brought her newborn baby, Lucy’s age, into Sunday school in his carseat last year. Now, I am going to (hopefully) be carrying around my own living, breathing baby in a carseat. I tried to fathom the thought that she might be sitting in that carseat in a few short weeks. I am almost too afraid to hope. I’m sure K and P are feeling the strain but for all the opposite reasons. K IS feeling those sweet baby kicks and struggling to sleep well at night. She is throwing up and feeling giant and pregnant and I can’t imagine how hard that is. She is also probably trying to prepare emotionally for this upcoming month and all that it holds.

As strange as all of this is, I don’t think I would change any of it. I believe that God has grand plans for baby S and all of this is just the beginning of her amazing story. I believe that she was created for our family and if things were different we might be missing out on our precious daughter to be. Our family would be missing out on knowing K and P and their beautiful children. If things were different I wouldn’t be learning how to trust God again and I wouldn’t be relearning how to give Him my children in faith. We would be missing out on so much.

Will you all pray for K and P and our family as well? This is going to be a very emotionally exhausting (but wonderful) month and we will need your prayers, especially K. Please pray for a safe delivery and peace and healing for K and P. Thank you so much!