Full Circle | Losing Lucy and Finding Hope

I feel like I have come full circle and I’m back where I was a year and a half ago, clinging to God in desperation. After Lucy died and all of our dreams of future children died with her, I struggled to breathe, to even exist. Every minute was painful. I wrote a very simple sentence on my hand that reminded me that I could keep living and that I was indeed, safe.

I TRUST HIM

I found myself writing this same sentence on my hand this morning, for the first time in over a year. It was kind of a big step for me because I’ve struggled to trust Him for the past several months as I work through my grief and anger. But now, here I am again clinging to Him in desperation, begging Him for help. Things with the adoption are not going quite how we planned. We are kind of in the dark right now and don’t exactly know what is going on. Part of me wants to completely freak out and lose my mind in worry. It is important for me to remember a few important facts, though-

This is not my baby (yet.)

This is K’s baby and she can decide whatever she wants.

It is my job to support K in whatever she does decide.

God has K, P and baby S in the palm of His hand.

God has it all under control and He is still at work.

I TRUST HIM.

Last year when I wrote that simple sentence on my hand in an act of pure desperation, it was because of the tragedy that had just happened, the loss of my daughter. Today I write it in anticipation of what will happen over the next couple of weeks. Baby S is not my daughter right now, but my love for her has grown in my heart for months and months, and in Josh’s heart and the boys’ too. We love her so much, we WANT her so much, but she is not ours (yet.) It is a really weird place to be and we don’t really know how to act right now. Please pray for us, for baby S and especially for K. We all need your prayers so much.