March 2021

So, despite our long scheduled plan to induce tomorrow, it looks like our little Nora will be arriving earlier than we thought! I came in to have some blood work done so that the blood bank could prepare the blood for Nora (in case she needs a transfusion) ahead of time. While I was here they hooked me up to the monitor and noticed that Nora had a couple of heart decelerations when I was contracting. The doctors decided to admit me and monitor Nora just to be cautious. They didn’t want to risk sending me home if she was possibly in distress.

The blood bank called after a couple of hours and said the blood was prepared and ready for Nora so the doctor decided to go ahead and start my induction around 4:00. I was already dilated 4 centimeters before they started the pitocin so that is a great start! Right now I’ve been in labor for about two or three hours and just got the epidural. It’s SO wonderful 😊 Such sweet relief and I can relax and enjoy my alone time with Josh and of course, update my blog right in the middle of labor. Josh and I are marveling at the fact that our daughter has a heartbeat and that we get to meet her in the next few hours. We are also in tears feeling all the emotions that we felt the last time we did this with Lucy. That day was so horrible, so cold and rainy and dark. Today as the sun is setting it is slanted directly through the window onto my hospital bed. We are so happy to be here. I can’t believe we made it from that day to this day. Thank you, Lord, for sustaining us. 

Please continue to pray for our Nora and for a safe delivery. Pray that she doesn’t get stressed out by the contractions and that we can avoid a c-section. Also pray that she isn’t severely anemic and that the NICU team can keep her jaundice under control. We will try to update everybody after she arrives!

So, despite our long scheduled plan to induce tomorrow, it looks like our little Nora will be arriving earlier than we thought! I came in to have some blood work done so that the blood bank could prepare the blood for Nora (in case she needs a transfusion) ahead of time. While I was here they hooked me up to the monitor and noticed that Nora had a couple of heart decelerations when I was contracting. The doctors decided to admit me and monitor Nora just to be cautious. They didn’t want to risk sending me home if she was possibly in distress.

The blood bank called after a couple of hours and said the blood was prepared and ready for Nora so the doctor decided to go ahead and start my induction around 4:00. I was already dilated 4 centimeters before they started the pitocin so that is a great start! Right now I’ve been in labor for about two or three hours and just got the epidural. It’s SO wonderful 😊 Such sweet relief and I can relax and enjoy my alone time with Josh and of course, update my blog right in the middle of labor. Josh and I are marveling at the fact that our daughter has a heartbeat and that we get to meet her in the next few hours. We are also in tears feeling all the emotions that we felt the last time we did this with Lucy. That day was so horrible, so cold and rainy and dark. Today as the sun is setting it is slanted directly through the window onto my hospital bed. We are so happy to be here. I can’t believe we made it from that day to this day. Thank you, Lord, for sustaining us. 

Please continue to pray for our Nora and for a safe delivery. Pray that she doesn’t get stressed out by the contractions and that we can avoid a c-section. Also pray that she isn’t severely anemic and that the NICU team can keep her jaundice under control. We will try to update everybody after she arrives!

So, despite our long scheduled plan to induce tomorrow, it looks like our little Nora will be arriving earlier than we thought! I came in to have some blood work done so that the blood bank could prepare the blood for Nora (in case she needs a transfusion) ahead of time. While I was here they hooked me up to the monitor and noticed that Nora had a couple of heart decelerations when I was contracting. The doctors decided to admit me and monitor Nora just to be cautious. They didn’t want to risk sending me home if she was possibly in distress.

The blood bank called after a couple of hours and said the blood was prepared and ready for Nora so the doctor decided to go ahead and start my induction around 4:00. I was already dilated 4 centimeters before they started the pitocin so that is a great start! Right now I’ve been in labor for about two or three hours and just got the epidural. It’s SO wonderful 😊 Such sweet relief and I can relax and enjoy my alone time with Josh and of course, update my blog right in the middle of labor. Josh and I are marveling at the fact that our daughter has a heartbeat and that we get to meet her in the next few hours. We are also in tears feeling all the emotions that we felt the last time we did this with Lucy. That day was so horrible, so cold and rainy and dark. Today as the sun is setting it is slanted directly through the window onto my hospital bed. We are so happy to be here. I can’t believe we made it from that day to this day. Thank you, Lord, for sustaining us. 

Please continue to pray for our Nora and for a safe delivery. Pray that she doesn’t get stressed out by the contractions and that we can avoid a c-section. Also pray that she isn’t severely anemic and that the NICU team can keep her jaundice under control. We will try to update everybody after she arrives!

October 27th was supposed to be Scarlet’s due date. This day represented so much hope for me and for my family. I have been anxiously waiting for this day since I met Kailee in May. But here I am, awake since 3am, engorged with milk, unable to bring myself to pump for this imaginary baby of mine. I cannot shut my mind off. Did Kailee wear the nice robe and fuzzy socks I bought for her when she was in the hospital? What about the helpful verses I wrote out for her on notecards, one by one, to help strengthen her for delivery and the hard days in the hospital afterwards. Did she just throw those away? She threw so much away. Money, hope, trust, our dreams for this baby, faith in humanity for some. I think about all the hours and days and months of work we put into this. The fundraisers, the kind donations of so many people, all the time we spent on our home study and our family profile, making sure the wording and the pictures were just right. My mind cannot grasp the scope of this, the enormity of her betrayal. It breaks my heart to see so much hope wasted, to see all the faces that were expectantly waiting for redemption fall with disappointment and hurt. How am I supposed to get through this day? Where do we go from here?

The past two weeks have been an excruciating wait for us as Kailee just suddenly cut off all communication with us and we had no idea what was going on. I have been praying this verse fervently over the past couple of weeks:

Psalm 17: 6,7 I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God; incline your ear to me; hear my words. Wondrously show your steadfast love, O Savior of those who seek refuge from their adversaries at your right hand.

I begged God to wondrously show me His steadfast love by giving me this baby as my daughter. I cried out to Him as deeply as I cried out for Him to spare Lucy’s life when she was dying in my womb. It felt like every other breath I drew was exhaled in a prayer for Him to give me this baby and prevent another tragedy. I don’t know why His answer was NO again, but this morning I read this verse that brought me comfort:

Psalm 31:21-24 Blessed be the Lord, for He has wondrously shown His steadfast love to me when I was in a besieged city. I had said in my alarm, “I am cut off from your sight.” But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy when I cried to you for help. Love the Lord, all you His saints! The Lord preserves the faithful but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride. Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord.

I think, somehow, He is going to wondrously show His steadfast love to me even now when I am in this besieged city of hopelessness. He is going to show His deep love for me without giving me this baby, even though that is hard for me to fathom right now. Please pray that I have the strength and courage to get through this horrible day and still feel His love for me.

I can’t believe it has been a whole year since I lost my baby Lucy and saw her sweet face for the first and last time. February 8th was the worst day of my life, but it was the best day of Lucy’s life. How strange. Laboring and giving birth to her was extremely traumatic for me, knowing she was dead the whole time. I mourn that experience still, and will till I die. The wonderful thing is that Lucy was totally unaware of all of that trauma. I think about what she felt when she died and I am thankful it was peaceful for her. Instead of being born into a cold world of pain and sin, she was born into perfect warmth and light. I am thankful that she got to skip this dark place and go right to her real home.

I decided a few weeks ago that I am going to buy Lucy a birthday card every year, for the rest of my life. It was so hard to look through the cute baby girl cards, and I cried every time (you would not believe how many tears I have shed in public lately!) Most of the cards didn’t fit because they talked about the many milestones a baby goes through in her first year, and I missed them all with Lucy. But I finally found the perfect one the other day.

In the land of Royal Birthdays lived a little girl so fair, and on her special day she got a sparkling crown to wear.

As the sweetest princess ever, she had fun the whole day through…

Know who that darling princess was? Why, no one else but you!

I love this card because Lucy really is having her birthday in the land of Royal Birthdays. God is the King of all kings and His kingdom is in heaven. Lucy is the daughter of the King, and that makes her a REAL princess. I bet she even has her beautiful crown of life on right now and is just sparkling.

Psalm 103:19 The Lord has established His throne in heaven, and His kingdom rules over all.

I also like that there is a castle in the background because I know she lives in the most beautiful mansion where God had her room all prepared and waiting for her when she arrived there one year ago today. I will be reading this card with the boys today, showing them “Lucy having her birthday in heaven.” I know they will love it. I also plan on baking Lucy a birthday cake and letting her brothers decorate it for her (I laugh when I think about this because I imagine Lucy watching from heaven and cringing as her brothers create their masterpiece.) Liam is very excited about it!

I am also planning on putting Lucy’s puzzle together with the boys. I saw this puzzle in a store right after I found out I was pregnant with Lucy. I had a very strong suspicion that I was having a girl, and her name would be Lucy. I put it in my shopping cart and then felt silly because I didn’t even know if I was having a girl or a boy, so I put it back. As I was checking out, I had a panicky feeling and thought, “I NEED to go back and get that puzzle.” So I got out of line and went all the way to the back of the store and got the Lucy puzzle. Now I treasure this sweet little puzzle so much, and you know what it is a picture of? Princesses in a castle! (And a random frog prince- I have no analogy for that one.)

Although I am mourning my deep loss today, I am also celebrating Lucy’s gain. Today is a celebration of her first day in heaven one year ago, the beginning of her real life. Since losing Lucy I have thought many times of a poem my Mom told me about. It has become my favorite poem. It makes me think of Lucy and I tear up every time I read it.

The Sailing Ship  

What is dying?

I am standing on the seashore.

A ship sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean.

She is an object and I stand watching her

Till at last she fades from the horizon,

And someone at my side says, “She is gone!” Gone where?

Gone from my sight, that is all;

She is just as large in the masts, hull and spars as she was when I saw her,

And just as able to bear her load of living freight to its destination.

The diminished size and total loss of sight is in me, not in her;

And just at the moment when someone at my side says, “She is gone”,

There are others who are watching her coming,

And other voices take up a glad shout, “There she comes”- and that is dying.

-Bishop Charles Henry Brent

I love the thought that as Lucy faded out of my sight she appeared to her cheering crowd of loving family members in heaven waiting to scoop her up into their arms and kiss her chubby cheeks. And one day when my own ship arrives on the shores of heaven Lucy will be at the front of the crowd waiting and cheering for me.

Happy first birthday in heaven, Lucy Dair.

I don’t know how many more birthdays you will celebrate in heaven before I get to meet you, but I do know that the birthdays I get to spend with you will FAR outnumber the ones that we spent apart. I am rejoicing in that thought today. We miss you with every beat of our hearts, our forever first baby girl.

So, despite our long scheduled plan to induce tomorrow, it looks like our little Nora will be arriving earlier than we thought! I came in to have some blood work done so that the blood bank could prepare the blood for Nora (in case she needs a transfusion) ahead of time. While I was here they hooked me up to the monitor and noticed that Nora had a couple of heart decelerations when I was contracting. The doctors decided to admit me and monitor Nora just to be cautious. They didn’t want to risk sending me home if she was possibly in distress.

The blood bank called after a couple of hours and said the blood was prepared and ready for Nora so the doctor decided to go ahead and start my induction around 4:00. I was already dilated 4 centimeters before they started the pitocin so that is a great start! Right now I’ve been in labor for about two or three hours and just got the epidural. It’s SO wonderful 😊 Such sweet relief and I can relax and enjoy my alone time with Josh and of course, update my blog right in the middle of labor. Josh and I are marveling at the fact that our daughter has a heartbeat and that we get to meet her in the next few hours. We are also in tears feeling all the emotions that we felt the last time we did this with Lucy. That day was so horrible, so cold and rainy and dark. Today as the sun is setting it is slanted directly through the window onto my hospital bed. We are so happy to be here. I can’t believe we made it from that day to this day. Thank you, Lord, for sustaining us. 

Please continue to pray for our Nora and for a safe delivery. Pray that she doesn’t get stressed out by the contractions and that we can avoid a c-section. Also pray that she isn’t severely anemic and that the NICU team can keep her jaundice under control. We will try to update everybody after she arrives!

October 27th was supposed to be Scarlet’s due date. This day represented so much hope for me and for my family. I have been anxiously waiting for this day since I met Kailee in May. But here I am, awake since 3am, engorged with milk, unable to bring myself to pump for this imaginary baby of mine. I cannot shut my mind off. Did Kailee wear the nice robe and fuzzy socks I bought for her when she was in the hospital? What about the helpful verses I wrote out for her on notecards, one by one, to help strengthen her for delivery and the hard days in the hospital afterwards. Did she just throw those away? She threw so much away. Money, hope, trust, our dreams for this baby, faith in humanity for some. I think about all the hours and days and months of work we put into this. The fundraisers, the kind donations of so many people, all the time we spent on our home study and our family profile, making sure the wording and the pictures were just right. My mind cannot grasp the scope of this, the enormity of her betrayal. It breaks my heart to see so much hope wasted, to see all the faces that were expectantly waiting for redemption fall with disappointment and hurt. How am I supposed to get through this day? Where do we go from here?

The past two weeks have been an excruciating wait for us as Kailee just suddenly cut off all communication with us and we had no idea what was going on. I have been praying this verse fervently over the past couple of weeks:

Psalm 17: 6,7 I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God; incline your ear to me; hear my words. Wondrously show your steadfast love, O Savior of those who seek refuge from their adversaries at your right hand.

I begged God to wondrously show me His steadfast love by giving me this baby as my daughter. I cried out to Him as deeply as I cried out for Him to spare Lucy’s life when she was dying in my womb. It felt like every other breath I drew was exhaled in a prayer for Him to give me this baby and prevent another tragedy. I don’t know why His answer was NO again, but this morning I read this verse that brought me comfort:

Psalm 31:21-24 Blessed be the Lord, for He has wondrously shown His steadfast love to me when I was in a besieged city. I had said in my alarm, “I am cut off from your sight.” But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy when I cried to you for help. Love the Lord, all you His saints! The Lord preserves the faithful but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride. Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord.

I think, somehow, He is going to wondrously show His steadfast love to me even now when I am in this besieged city of hopelessness. He is going to show His deep love for me without giving me this baby, even though that is hard for me to fathom right now. Please pray that I have the strength and courage to get through this horrible day and still feel His love for me.

So, despite our long scheduled plan to induce tomorrow, it looks like our little Nora will be arriving earlier than we thought! I came in to have some blood work done so that the blood bank could prepare the blood for Nora (in case she needs a transfusion) ahead of time. While I was here they hooked me up to the monitor and noticed that Nora had a couple of heart decelerations when I was contracting. The doctors decided to admit me and monitor Nora just to be cautious. They didn’t want to risk sending me home if she was possibly in distress.

The blood bank called after a couple of hours and said the blood was prepared and ready for Nora so the doctor decided to go ahead and start my induction around 4:00. I was already dilated 4 centimeters before they started the pitocin so that is a great start! Right now I’ve been in labor for about two or three hours and just got the epidural. It’s SO wonderful 😊 Such sweet relief and I can relax and enjoy my alone time with Josh and of course, update my blog right in the middle of labor. Josh and I are marveling at the fact that our daughter has a heartbeat and that we get to meet her in the next few hours. We are also in tears feeling all the emotions that we felt the last time we did this with Lucy. That day was so horrible, so cold and rainy and dark. Today as the sun is setting it is slanted directly through the window onto my hospital bed. We are so happy to be here. I can’t believe we made it from that day to this day. Thank you, Lord, for sustaining us. 

Please continue to pray for our Nora and for a safe delivery. Pray that she doesn’t get stressed out by the contractions and that we can avoid a c-section. Also pray that she isn’t severely anemic and that the NICU team can keep her jaundice under control. We will try to update everybody after she arrives!

I can’t believe it has been a whole year since I lost my baby Lucy and saw her sweet face for the first and last time. February 8th was the worst day of my life, but it was the best day of Lucy’s life. How strange. Laboring and giving birth to her was extremely traumatic for me, knowing she was dead the whole time. I mourn that experience still, and will till I die. The wonderful thing is that Lucy was totally unaware of all of that trauma. I think about what she felt when she died and I am thankful it was peaceful for her. Instead of being born into a cold world of pain and sin, she was born into perfect warmth and light. I am thankful that she got to skip this dark place and go right to her real home.

I decided a few weeks ago that I am going to buy Lucy a birthday card every year, for the rest of my life. It was so hard to look through the cute baby girl cards, and I cried every time (you would not believe how many tears I have shed in public lately!) Most of the cards didn’t fit because they talked about the many milestones a baby goes through in her first year, and I missed them all with Lucy. But I finally found the perfect one the other day.

In the land of Royal Birthdays lived a little girl so fair, and on her special day she got a sparkling crown to wear.

As the sweetest princess ever, she had fun the whole day through…

Know who that darling princess was? Why, no one else but you!

I love this card because Lucy really is having her birthday in the land of Royal Birthdays. God is the King of all kings and His kingdom is in heaven. Lucy is the daughter of the King, and that makes her a REAL princess. I bet she even has her beautiful crown of life on right now and is just sparkling.

Psalm 103:19 The Lord has established His throne in heaven, and His kingdom rules over all.

I also like that there is a castle in the background because I know she lives in the most beautiful mansion where God had her room all prepared and waiting for her when she arrived there one year ago today. I will be reading this card with the boys today, showing them “Lucy having her birthday in heaven.” I know they will love it. I also plan on baking Lucy a birthday cake and letting her brothers decorate it for her (I laugh when I think about this because I imagine Lucy watching from heaven and cringing as her brothers create their masterpiece.) Liam is very excited about it!

I am also planning on putting Lucy’s puzzle together with the boys. I saw this puzzle in a store right after I found out I was pregnant with Lucy. I had a very strong suspicion that I was having a girl, and her name would be Lucy. I put it in my shopping cart and then felt silly because I didn’t even know if I was having a girl or a boy, so I put it back. As I was checking out, I had a panicky feeling and thought, “I NEED to go back and get that puzzle.” So I got out of line and went all the way to the back of the store and got the Lucy puzzle. Now I treasure this sweet little puzzle so much, and you know what it is a picture of? Princesses in a castle! (And a random frog prince- I have no analogy for that one.)

Although I am mourning my deep loss today, I am also celebrating Lucy’s gain. Today is a celebration of her first day in heaven one year ago, the beginning of her real life. Since losing Lucy I have thought many times of a poem my Mom told me about. It has become my favorite poem. It makes me think of Lucy and I tear up every time I read it.

The Sailing Ship  

What is dying?

I am standing on the seashore.

A ship sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean.

She is an object and I stand watching her

Till at last she fades from the horizon,

And someone at my side says, “She is gone!” Gone where?

Gone from my sight, that is all;

She is just as large in the masts, hull and spars as she was when I saw her,

And just as able to bear her load of living freight to its destination.

The diminished size and total loss of sight is in me, not in her;

And just at the moment when someone at my side says, “She is gone”,

There are others who are watching her coming,

And other voices take up a glad shout, “There she comes”- and that is dying.

-Bishop Charles Henry Brent

I love the thought that as Lucy faded out of my sight she appeared to her cheering crowd of loving family members in heaven waiting to scoop her up into their arms and kiss her chubby cheeks. And one day when my own ship arrives on the shores of heaven Lucy will be at the front of the crowd waiting and cheering for me.

Happy first birthday in heaven, Lucy Dair.

I don’t know how many more birthdays you will celebrate in heaven before I get to meet you, but I do know that the birthdays I get to spend with you will FAR outnumber the ones that we spent apart. I am rejoicing in that thought today. We miss you with every beat of our hearts, our forever first baby girl.

October 27th was supposed to be Scarlet’s due date. This day represented so much hope for me and for my family. I have been anxiously waiting for this day since I met Kailee in May. But here I am, awake since 3am, engorged with milk, unable to bring myself to pump for this imaginary baby of mine. I cannot shut my mind off. Did Kailee wear the nice robe and fuzzy socks I bought for her when she was in the hospital? What about the helpful verses I wrote out for her on notecards, one by one, to help strengthen her for delivery and the hard days in the hospital afterwards. Did she just throw those away? She threw so much away. Money, hope, trust, our dreams for this baby, faith in humanity for some. I think about all the hours and days and months of work we put into this. The fundraisers, the kind donations of so many people, all the time we spent on our home study and our family profile, making sure the wording and the pictures were just right. My mind cannot grasp the scope of this, the enormity of her betrayal. It breaks my heart to see so much hope wasted, to see all the faces that were expectantly waiting for redemption fall with disappointment and hurt. How am I supposed to get through this day? Where do we go from here?

The past two weeks have been an excruciating wait for us as Kailee just suddenly cut off all communication with us and we had no idea what was going on. I have been praying this verse fervently over the past couple of weeks:

Psalm 17: 6,7 I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God; incline your ear to me; hear my words. Wondrously show your steadfast love, O Savior of those who seek refuge from their adversaries at your right hand.

I begged God to wondrously show me His steadfast love by giving me this baby as my daughter. I cried out to Him as deeply as I cried out for Him to spare Lucy’s life when she was dying in my womb. It felt like every other breath I drew was exhaled in a prayer for Him to give me this baby and prevent another tragedy. I don’t know why His answer was NO again, but this morning I read this verse that brought me comfort:

Psalm 31:21-24 Blessed be the Lord, for He has wondrously shown His steadfast love to me when I was in a besieged city. I had said in my alarm, “I am cut off from your sight.” But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy when I cried to you for help. Love the Lord, all you His saints! The Lord preserves the faithful but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride. Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord.

I think, somehow, He is going to wondrously show His steadfast love to me even now when I am in this besieged city of hopelessness. He is going to show His deep love for me without giving me this baby, even though that is hard for me to fathom right now. Please pray that I have the strength and courage to get through this horrible day and still feel His love for me.